Oh holy week ! Holiday... At last... ! I feel like I'm just so tired of it, school... These past two weeks seemed so long, and so short at the same time. Going home, studying, sleeping, taking the exams, going home, studying,... all this was really tiring. But seeing the holidays get close was making the whole thing pass by faster. And now I can also say that I haven't been studying for nothing, I kinda have good grades ! -eheh- Well at least I can be glad for that. Because if you put that aside... Man, it's been quite stormy days. My mind's been in an uproar like, all day long. I was either thinking about exams or some other deranged things. You know, when you're all stressed up with one thing, all the others seem bigger at once. Even running out of chocolate becomes a major fact ! -just kidding, it's impossible for me to run out of chocolate, I just have too much- And then, even when you're beginning to see the end of the exams, some stuff got piled up behind your back, without you even noticing. Then... kaboom, and such. So starts the « Man, what the hell's going on here ? » and « Where has this crap been stocked ?! ». More than ignoring where it was left, it's rather where it came from -and why- that you don't know. How could something big like my house -which is, you could say, quite big- hide in my mind ? Why does it always happen like that ? Why is it that I can't even trust myself about this stuff ?
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change
Ha... well, you could say that. My way of thinking might be a little... twisted. After all maybe I'm deranged ? Must be something like this, or else I wouldn't get worked up over such matters. Overreacting and such... Is it just me ? Is it just me hurting when he says he's leaving ? Is it just me, thinking « I don't want him to go for so long » ? I always thought... he'd be here. Not even "us" being together, but at least, him being there, somewhere near, where I could still reach him. But now... I look like an idiot to myself. How could this even cross my mind ? He doesn't owe me a thing, and still I... What the heck... I'm the one who made him suffer -though I've suffered too, and we don't agree about everything concerning this matter-, I'm the one who said I couldn't deal with it any longer, and now I don't want to let go ? What is wrong with me ?! He can just live happily, well no. He has to ! But what I want from him can't make him smile. I can't bring him any happiness, too late. He finally wants to cut ties, to forget about it, to try something else, and I'm here, saying I'm hurting if he doesn't talk to me... Well I really do, but what about him ? I don't have any right to choose for him...
Still, I wanna see him, I wanna talk to him, and I want him to smile on top of that. How can I wish for something like that, when I know what he wants isn't something I can give him ? How can I make him -and myself- understand that I can't go back on what I said, that I have to let him go now, even if he's not talking to me ever again ? It's not like we won't be doing great after that. But it always seemed to me like something important. Something we can't throw away, something that can't end. Like a beautiful -but sad- tale, where the history of the two characters is nothing but ups and downs. But even then, still a book you can't take your eyes away from. You read it again and again, and you think « What would it be like if they had done this or that ? ». And you think this every time you read the book. But one time, you turn a page, and it's all blank. « What has happened to them ? Where are they now ? What have they done to get there ? » You try to answer your own questions, but the answers lie where you can't reach them ; it's too dangerous if you bet on it. You can't bet on anything if you know it'll hurt someone. So, what choice have you got left ? Ask him « What's the end of the story ? » when you know he'll say something like « It was up to you » ? Nah, doesn't sound really good... You still look for other possibilities, but it's no use ! There's no way a tale could end happily in real life. Because you screwed it all up. You ripped a page, and you thought you could live through it, but when he tries to stick it back in his own book, not the one you two own, it hurts. But you can't ask him to put it back where it was ! Because you don't want to feel like a whore, you don't want the shame, and you don't even know if the hole in your heart is going to be all filled with the page. You don't know ! So don't bet, please, don't bet and let him be. You don't have a choice here, the missing page is somewhere far, when you can't reach it, and it's safe. This is keeping him happy, you could say. Don't try to « see what it will be like if you stick back the page » and let go.
Still, I wanna see him, I wanna talk to him, and I want him to smile on top of that. How can I wish for something like that, when I know what he wants isn't something I can give him ? How can I make him -and myself- understand that I can't go back on what I said, that I have to let him go now, even if he's not talking to me ever again ? It's not like we won't be doing great after that. But it always seemed to me like something important. Something we can't throw away, something that can't end. Like a beautiful -but sad- tale, where the history of the two characters is nothing but ups and downs. But even then, still a book you can't take your eyes away from. You read it again and again, and you think « What would it be like if they had done this or that ? ». And you think this every time you read the book. But one time, you turn a page, and it's all blank. « What has happened to them ? Where are they now ? What have they done to get there ? » You try to answer your own questions, but the answers lie where you can't reach them ; it's too dangerous if you bet on it. You can't bet on anything if you know it'll hurt someone. So, what choice have you got left ? Ask him « What's the end of the story ? » when you know he'll say something like « It was up to you » ? Nah, doesn't sound really good... You still look for other possibilities, but it's no use ! There's no way a tale could end happily in real life. Because you screwed it all up. You ripped a page, and you thought you could live through it, but when he tries to stick it back in his own book, not the one you two own, it hurts. But you can't ask him to put it back where it was ! Because you don't want to feel like a whore, you don't want the shame, and you don't even know if the hole in your heart is going to be all filled with the page. You don't know ! So don't bet, please, don't bet and let him be. You don't have a choice here, the missing page is somewhere far, when you can't reach it, and it's safe. This is keeping him happy, you could say. Don't try to « see what it will be like if you stick back the page » and let go.
Let go... Oh my, does it sound painful... Is it just me hurting like crazy when thinking that we won't talk like we used to, ever again ? Is it just me crying when he says he can't see me anymore ? Is it just me crying when seeing this tale ending ? The characters aren't together, they've gone their way... It's too crazy. Too strange. It's like, even though it's been months since the parting, he's a part of me ! It's like he knows too much, he's taking too much of me with him ! Why does it have to be the one-of-the-two-won't-be-happy story ? Give me back my part of me... If I stay near you, there's no hole, I could say I'm almost complete, but if you're going away then... Can you give it back ? And can I give you back all you've shared with me ? Ha... Not possible, huh ? What a pain... When you share that much with somebody, it's never possible to take it back. But it seems a little worse when you know that, the missing part is missing because of you. You snatched it away, and you left your own in him by leaving. So you don't dare stop him from leaving too, even though it breaks you both. And you know it's no use trying to escape the feeling, because it will come back sooner or later -rather soon. So maybe now's the best time to do it. To part, you know, for real. Don't tell him, don't make him hurt ever again... I hope for that so much. If only he could stop hurting just by going away, in an instant, I'd live with it. It would still be hard not to talk, hard to watch him have a life without you, hard to know that he's got rid of your part while you couldn't totally erase his.
But it's all selfish thoughts, you can't tell him that you want to try something « because you still feel attracted » Attracted ! What reason is that ? You don't even have a feeling like love hanging around... And then you think "it could come back". Stop the crap, it's high time you let go.
And when you feel the wall cannot be burned, you're gonna die to try what can't be done
It's high time he separates from you. So, wish him all the luck and happiness you can, and close the book. Close it, and please stop crying on it.
