Give All My Secrets Away

Need something that I can confess

My, my... It's been a long time... I have to say, the last message wasn't really constructive. But, well... When you feel down, sometimes you just need to let one or two words out, let the steam get out too.
I could have said a lot of other things, like I'm in college right now, I'm living alone, my hair has got longer... Okay, the last one isn't particularly interessing. About the first one... What a change this is. Another city, another room, other classmates, new friends... In the beginning I was feeling a little troubled about this, being here alone, having to deal with it all by myself, but I got used to it. This feeling of freedom, of growing... I really like it now -even working more. I can see myself changing. I know it is not good in every aspect of my life -oh hell no it is not- but it's like I had been waiting for this. I see things differently, I do different things too, I'm enjoying myself a lot, I get along with different people... I don't want to get all high and mighty but I really enjoy spending my time like I do right now. I just know it's what I want.

As for the side that might get affected... I should say, that is getting affected by all of this, I don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop it. It's like a long way that would have been opened in front of me and that I couldn't avoid. I know its end, I know the consequences of taking this one particular way but I just can't do anything. Certain things on the way help me be pushed further and I don't like that... Well, I like the things themselves but it is the consequences that I dislike. Or rather... That I fear, I should say. I can pretty much guess them but I'd rather avoid that thought for now... If I can.

Next time maybe I'll try something less depressing, like how I love my friends and my cat and my wonderful-probably-almost-surely-next-house, but... Tonight, I just needed to talk about what was on my mind.
Image : Sumire-chan and Momo from Kimi Wa Pet.

Snap

What the hell... F/ck.

Sky And Sand

I find myself alive in the palm of your hand

September's now here, end of summer, end of holidays... Where did it go ?! Man, I'm going to college... College. Big word, big meaning, big changes. I can't believe I'll be into this only a week from now ! It's like... Real, but, not real. I really want to see how it is but at the same time I want to enjoy my easy life a little more. Well, it's here so, let's just wait for the big wave to come...
Sometimes I'm just wondering... Will I succeed ? Will I be one of the best ? Will I be one of the worst ? Will I get to be what I want to be in the future, have a nice carreer and all ? These are all normal questions about future, but I just can't help wondering...



Apart from that, what to say ? End of high school... Well I'm pretty proud I should say. I don't want to sound pretentious or anything but, getting two prices (history being the one I wanted !) and being over 80%, isn't that a nice score ? At least it made me feel relieved and happy with myself. And that's just what I wished for ! So it made me have a nice holiday.
To tell the truth, there's another reason why the holidays were this good. During the exams, I got to know someone, and you could say... it worked out pretty well ! It's been two months and a half, something like that, but it is just... What I want. What I need. I just feel it is the relationship I needed to mature, to grow a little more.
Of course, I'm not saying anything like "it's the man of my dreams, we'll get married someday" (oh hell no, how horribly sweet is this ?!) but I think it is just healthy, it feels nice, it is... complete. That's the word ! I feel complete with him. No reason to argue, just the urge to see each other and to be together.
Well, I must admit this urge is particularly visible now he's gone for a week (it's already been five days)... At times I feel like crying just because he's not here and I miss him. Okay, I admit I'm really tired these days and it has something to do with it for sure. But I really miss him. And it's hard to realise that it feels a little painful when he has a lot of fun and I'm stuck here at home. I mean, I'm not anywhere near jaleous, but... Come on. He's sleeping in the room with two girls ! I know they're just friends, and I totally trust him... It's just, inside. A lingering feeling I can't do anything about. It's a lot of firsts for him, and knowing he's living all this with her... is just kind of hard.

But... whatever. Who cares ? These are just my two a.m. thoughts anyway, so...



Oh, just another thing. He's probably not going to read this but, I'm rooting for you man, and like I said, if you need any support, just feel free to tell me. A lot has happened but I feel like you don't need any more argument or anything like that... So I feel sorry for you and I hope you'll feel better with the time... (imagine this with a smile on my face)



Emma, from the manga Emma. Sky And Sand, Paul Kalkbrener.

All The Lights

How I wish that it would snow, now... I don't feel like going home, now, I wish that I could stay

Ow, man... How long has it been ? I feel like it's been months since last time... Well, it has been months. January... Is it already so far away ? Five months... Is it that long ? How quickly the time has passed. The strange thing is, you could think five months are pretty much long, but... I can still remember how I felt at the time. This is some weird thing to experience, you know ? Usually when you think about a few months back, you remember some vague points, maybe an event or something. But it's not the same here. Nothing looks blurry. Everything seems all clear in my mind ! The things I did, the facts, the moods, the feelings...
The good point is, I can reflet on everything with a little distance and think about it thoroughly. But sometimes it seems a little too close. Sometimes it the thoughts won't go away so that you have them in mind for too long and you feel guilty again -for a change...
Well whatever, "what's done is done" like they say. What use would it be to talk about it again ? But you -I think you might recognize yourself-, just know that I am still sorry I did this and you did that. You'll tell me about Australia huh ? -wink-

Let's talk about... Huh. The other one ? Nah, right now isn't really a good time. Not just today, but these days are not going as smoothly as before. How come ? I think it's mostly because of me. Maybe I'm really making too much comments, maybe I'm really lacking attention nowadays, maybe I changed from before ; I don't really know. What I know is that he might get tired of it sooner or later. But what can I do ? I don't know ! How can I change myself like that ? -Oh my does it sound like deja vu !- It's too quick, too sudden. But it's the thing I get problems with everytime. Affection. Duh ! Why is it always so important for others and less for me ? Is something wrong with my brain... ?
When I think I'm finally going to be happy, with a simple story, a nice person, it develops into some twisted relation. Why the heeeck... ? Men are definitely hard to understand, and they surely need time to grow up...

Now, I could talk about school or something, but I'm so damn tired that I could sleep while standing. Maybe I'll add a word or two tomorrow...

Secret Chord

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift

Happy Birthday... Me !

9 Crimes

Is that alright with you... Give my gun away when it's loaded

« And then she ran. She ran as fast as she could, as if to escape what seemed to chase after her. But nothing was behind her. The sound of her footsteps was the only thing left to be heard. She stopped for a second but the silence was too loud, echoing in her head. She started running again, afraid that the things that were scaring her might come back. Her heart was thumping like crazy, hurting.
...She was soon to be out of breath. »

From Goong.

Without me you got it all... So hold on

Wuthering Heights

And sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight

Bonne année... -confetti, tout ce que vous voulez. Qu'elle soit heureuse, bla-bla-bla. En tout cas, elle a bien commencé pour moi ! C'est quand même incomparable, un réveillon en famille et un réveillon entre amis. Bon, d'accord, ils se sont peut-être moins amusés que l'année dernière, ils étaient peut-être moins bourrés, mais moi je me suis bien marrée -et, un peu d'égoïsme, c'est le principal dirons-nous !-... Mais ils n'avaient pas l'air si ennuyés que ça, donc c'est tant mieux. Ah, quand même, je suis contente d'avoir passé sept heures (oui, sept heures) dans ce foutu aéroport de Genève ! Sans oublier le stress, la panique, les larmes, tout ça. Ca vallait le coup ! Les maigres deux heures de sommeil aussi, hein S. ? Si tu pouvais perdre le 24 et reprendre tes kilos pour la prochaine soirée, ça m'irait bien ! -surtout que je comptais organiser mon potentiel anniversaire ce soir-là, je viens de remarquer- Donc dès que tu sors, tu manges, héhé.
Et voilà ! A peine en 2009, je raconte déjà n'importe quoi. Et je me les gèle, merde ! Pourquoi il fait si froid ici ? Ca doit être l'accumulation de tout, ça me fait vaguement délirer. Et puis qu'est-ce que je fous là moi, au lieu de rattraper mon sommeil en retard ! ... Ah oui c'est vrai, je raconte ma vie. Boh, c'est pas si mal, j'aime bien ça, donc je vais continuer.
« Que dire, que dire ? » Pas grand chose, je pense que j'ai suffisamment abordé mes problèmes psychologiques pour ce soir... Quoique, ça ne me dérangerait pas d'en rajouter un peu. Après tout, c'est ce que je fais de mieux ici ! Et puis pour compenser le fait que j'écrive en français, je vais être encore plus chiante que d'habitude -si c'est possible. Na.
Par où commencer... ? C'est amusant, à chaque fois que je passe ici, je peux pas m'empêcher de relire le dernier article. C'est quand même dingue, sa longueur. Ca doit être vaguement représentatif de mon état ce soir-là... Je dis « vaguement », parce que je ne pense pas qu'on puisse vraiment le décrire. C'était trop dérangeant, trop mélancolique, trop triste pour essayer de l'expliquer, ou ne serait-ce que pour en reparler. Mais je suis une masochiste déclarée, évidemment... Je pourrais passer des heures à expliquer ce qu'il s'est passé dans ma tête, qui m'a traversé l'esprit, quand j'ai écrit cette brique. Mais même après ces heures, je ne pense que pas que les choses seront mises au clair. C'est comme essayer d'expliquer l'attirance, expliquer l'amour ; c'est aussi absurde qu'expliquer la peine. Il y a toujours une raison de base, mais toutes les choses qui s'y ajoutent sont tellement abstraites et tellement personnelles que je doute qu'un étranger -étranger à sa propre pensée, pas au sens littéral- le comprenne. A moins qu'il ne soit passé par la même chose, qu'il n'ait rencontré la même situation -ce qui ne se rencontre pas à tous les coins de rue. Pour résumer, c'était... douloureux. Parce que la fin de quelque chose -peu importe quoi, mais une chose forte et omniprésente- est toujours douloureuse. Sinon, vaudraient-elles la peine d'être vécues ? Mériteraient-elles qu'on en tire autant de plaisir, qu'on pleure autant pour elles ? Je ne pense pas. Mais quoi qu'il en soit, il va me falloir un bout de temps avant d'envisager quelque chose de nouveau -il me semble, du moins. Parce que c'est encore trop vif, c'est encore trop présent... Ca ne partira pas du jour au lendemain -sigh. Peut-être aussi parce que je n'ai pas le courage de reconstruire une relation. Comme je le disais dans l'article précédent, quand on a partagé autant avec quelqu'un, que le trou n'a pas eu le temps de se boucher, c'est trop dur d'entreprendre autre chose. On se dit « Et si j'en venais encore une fois à donner autant, à me séparer sans m'en rendre compte d'une autre partie de moi ? » et ça fait peur, ça fait peur de penser que ça pourrait arriver, et qu'on pourrait encore perdre autant, ressentir la même douleur. Alors oui, on pourra dire que c'est parce que je ne veux pas ressentir la même chose, mais ce n'est sûrement pas de la lâcheté ; c'est de l'autoprotection, disons. L'expérience qui parle, haha.
And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand... When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am
Après cette extension de mon explication, comment continuer ? Bientôt le retour de l'école... Oh non, pas déjà ! Pitié... ! Tellement peu de motivation... Oh tiens, et mes résolutions alors ? Parlons-en ! Alors, me donner à fond pour la danse -première et dernière année, ça vaut le coup-, réfléchir la prochaine fois que j'entreprends quoique ce soit -relation-, histoire de ne blesser personne pour rien, parce que détruire la vie des gens c'est pas mon activité favorite (haha.)... Bon, juste pour la forme, j'ajouterai "bien travailler à l'école", mais c'est sans conviction. Pourquoi pas « arrêter de raconter des conneries » ? Mais ça va être dur d'arrêter, ça... C'est la seule chose que je fais super bien... !

Et parce que c'est magnifique -et que je suis en train de le lire- :
« If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. »
« Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being. » (Catherine, Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë)
« I cannot live without my life ! I cannot live without my soul ! » (Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë)