Ohayo

Got no reason got no shame, got no family I can blame, just don't let me disappear

Hey ! Still alive ? Yeah, yeah, me too -I know it didn't seem like it... Right now I'm writing from Japan. I'm here for 3 weeks, for the holidays, plus learning the language in a school. I'm homestaying.
First - My family is a bit... how should I put it? ... special. They really stick to the stupid rules of the school : be back at 9(pm...), call before 3pm if you don't eat there the night. PLUS, their rules : they don't really like me going out when the sun is setting ("you're going to meet the people who go out when it's dark"... DUH in the morning, I meet the people who go out in the morning, so WHAT?), I have to get up at max. 8am (which is crazy because I have class only in the afternoon !) and help with the house work... I don't really mind that last thing but... Come on, she's a housewife !

Pff... Sorry, I'm a little tired. This morning (it's a sunday, and, yes, we have to wake up at 8), the kid (a 4-year-old girl, totally selfish and spoiled) cried from 6 to 8.30 NON STOP. Yeah her teeth hurt, so what ? Right now I don't give a damn.
I should explain. My room is downstairs, just beside the living room. Since they wake up so damn early in the morning, I'm up every day at around 6. I can't go back to real sleep at this hour so I'm tired.

Second- The school is nice. I made a friend (R.), French guy... He's so nice ! We're in the same class and it's so much fun with him. My cousin is here too, and it's a good opportunity to talk a bit with him -mostly about family, because I haven't been able to do so up till now.

Third - .... I miss my country. I miss the people there. I miss my culture. I miss my family. I miss my friends !
The people here... They're polite, but they're not nice. They're so closed on themselves... The other day, the father was like "Why would I need a passport ? I don't want to go abroad and since it's an island there's no risk of crossing a border".... And that made him laugh. What's funny ? Geez, you're not the best culture ever, you don't have everything, your country is not perfect !

... I just feel disappointed. I expected something... different. Nice people maybe, not the ones that litterally stare at you in the streets, or at least open people. I don't know.

Someone's Gotta Go

You know that I love you so... I love you enough to let you go

Ouch... Four months is a bit... long. But I've been so busy, I kind of forgot to tell about my life. Exams, holidays, then university again, more people, laziness,... I don't know, it just slipped out of my mind. It's funny because, I almost always come here when I'm feeling down. Not that I'm on my knees or anything right now but I felt like writing ; moreover, it's been such a long time. Funny too because, it's especially when I need to talk about heartaches and stuff like that...

Basically, everything is all right, even perfect right now. But long term, I feel like I'm going to suffer -I, or we I mean. You know, it's going pretty well ; I'm feeling so good when I'm with him, I want to be with him all day, I think about him so often... It's different from the other times. Thinking about parting, it's making me feel so lost, I can't imagine being without him right now. I know it doesn't sound like me, and I realise it everyday, but that's how I feel.

I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you
'Cause we belong together now, forever united here somehow, you got a piece of me, and honestly... My life would suck without you

However, we are so different. There's a side of him that I can't really agree with, or bear maybe. Another part of him is missing his friends that are away, the things he's done with them -go out all night, stuff like that-, and maybe the guy he was with them. He tells me he's fine with how he is now, because it's true that he has changed a lot, but I can't help but be afraid he is going to feel... "empty", maybe one day he will start thinking that he preferred how he was before...
Of course it's just me thinking too much but, you know, what can I do ? I can't help it. This side of him, I can't make it disappear -nor do I want to-, it partly makes him who he is.

He says he can't be « really himself » with me because of that side, even though he's really happy like that... But that's the reason why I can never be the one that knows him best, I can't be there for everything for him... And that hurts. It hurts a lot. It's scaring me, because almost every time we argue, it's over the same thing. I'm trying not to be too annoying but I can't help it either, I'm like that... A friend told me, « the only thing you can do is to accept the fact that you won't know him to the fullest and make the best of this ». And I know it's the only solution but... You know, it's hard. Because I love him so much...

I didn't come here to hurt you now, I can't stop...
And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better

From Goong.

Give All My Secrets Away

Need something that I can confess

My, my... It's been a long time... I have to say, the last message wasn't really constructive. But, well... When you feel down, sometimes you just need to let one or two words out, let the steam get out too.
I could have said a lot of other things, like I'm in college right now, I'm living alone, my hair has got longer... Okay, the last one isn't particularly interessing. About the first one... What a change this is. Another city, another room, other classmates, new friends... In the beginning I was feeling a little troubled about this, being here alone, having to deal with it all by myself, but I got used to it. This feeling of freedom, of growing... I really like it now -even working more. I can see myself changing. I know it is not good in every aspect of my life -oh hell no it is not- but it's like I had been waiting for this. I see things differently, I do different things too, I'm enjoying myself a lot, I get along with different people... I don't want to get all high and mighty but I really enjoy spending my time like I do right now. I just know it's what I want.

As for the side that might get affected... I should say, that is getting affected by all of this, I don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop it. It's like a long way that would have been opened in front of me and that I couldn't avoid. I know its end, I know the consequences of taking this one particular way but I just can't do anything. Certain things on the way help me be pushed further and I don't like that... Well, I like the things themselves but it is the consequences that I dislike. Or rather... That I fear, I should say. I can pretty much guess them but I'd rather avoid that thought for now... If I can.

Next time maybe I'll try something less depressing, like how I love my friends and my cat and my wonderful-probably-almost-surely-next-house, but... Tonight, I just needed to talk about what was on my mind.
Image : Sumire-chan and Momo from Kimi Wa Pet.

Snap

What the hell... F/ck.

Sky And Sand

I find myself alive in the palm of your hand

September's now here, end of summer, end of holidays... Where did it go ?! Man, I'm going to college... College. Big word, big meaning, big changes. I can't believe I'll be into this only a week from now ! It's like... Real, but, not real. I really want to see how it is but at the same time I want to enjoy my easy life a little more. Well, it's here so, let's just wait for the big wave to come...
Sometimes I'm just wondering... Will I succeed ? Will I be one of the best ? Will I be one of the worst ? Will I get to be what I want to be in the future, have a nice carreer and all ? These are all normal questions about future, but I just can't help wondering...



Apart from that, what to say ? End of high school... Well I'm pretty proud I should say. I don't want to sound pretentious or anything but, getting two prices (history being the one I wanted !) and being over 80%, isn't that a nice score ? At least it made me feel relieved and happy with myself. And that's just what I wished for ! So it made me have a nice holiday.
To tell the truth, there's another reason why the holidays were this good. During the exams, I got to know someone, and you could say... it worked out pretty well ! It's been two months and a half, something like that, but it is just... What I want. What I need. I just feel it is the relationship I needed to mature, to grow a little more.
Of course, I'm not saying anything like "it's the man of my dreams, we'll get married someday" (oh hell no, how horribly sweet is this ?!) but I think it is just healthy, it feels nice, it is... complete. That's the word ! I feel complete with him. No reason to argue, just the urge to see each other and to be together.
Well, I must admit this urge is particularly visible now he's gone for a week (it's already been five days)... At times I feel like crying just because he's not here and I miss him. Okay, I admit I'm really tired these days and it has something to do with it for sure. But I really miss him. And it's hard to realise that it feels a little painful when he has a lot of fun and I'm stuck here at home. I mean, I'm not anywhere near jaleous, but... Come on. He's sleeping in the room with two girls ! I know they're just friends, and I totally trust him... It's just, inside. A lingering feeling I can't do anything about. It's a lot of firsts for him, and knowing he's living all this with her... is just kind of hard.

But... whatever. Who cares ? These are just my two a.m. thoughts anyway, so...



Oh, just another thing. He's probably not going to read this but, I'm rooting for you man, and like I said, if you need any support, just feel free to tell me. A lot has happened but I feel like you don't need any more argument or anything like that... So I feel sorry for you and I hope you'll feel better with the time... (imagine this with a smile on my face)



Emma, from the manga Emma. Sky And Sand, Paul Kalkbrener.

All The Lights

How I wish that it would snow, now... I don't feel like going home, now, I wish that I could stay

Ow, man... How long has it been ? I feel like it's been months since last time... Well, it has been months. January... Is it already so far away ? Five months... Is it that long ? How quickly the time has passed. The strange thing is, you could think five months are pretty much long, but... I can still remember how I felt at the time. This is some weird thing to experience, you know ? Usually when you think about a few months back, you remember some vague points, maybe an event or something. But it's not the same here. Nothing looks blurry. Everything seems all clear in my mind ! The things I did, the facts, the moods, the feelings...
The good point is, I can reflet on everything with a little distance and think about it thoroughly. But sometimes it seems a little too close. Sometimes it the thoughts won't go away so that you have them in mind for too long and you feel guilty again -for a change...
Well whatever, "what's done is done" like they say. What use would it be to talk about it again ? But you -I think you might recognize yourself-, just know that I am still sorry I did this and you did that. You'll tell me about Australia huh ? -wink-

Let's talk about... Huh. The other one ? Nah, right now isn't really a good time. Not just today, but these days are not going as smoothly as before. How come ? I think it's mostly because of me. Maybe I'm really making too much comments, maybe I'm really lacking attention nowadays, maybe I changed from before ; I don't really know. What I know is that he might get tired of it sooner or later. But what can I do ? I don't know ! How can I change myself like that ? -Oh my does it sound like deja vu !- It's too quick, too sudden. But it's the thing I get problems with everytime. Affection. Duh ! Why is it always so important for others and less for me ? Is something wrong with my brain... ?
When I think I'm finally going to be happy, with a simple story, a nice person, it develops into some twisted relation. Why the heeeck... ? Men are definitely hard to understand, and they surely need time to grow up...

Now, I could talk about school or something, but I'm so damn tired that I could sleep while standing. Maybe I'll add a word or two tomorrow...

Secret Chord

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift

Happy Birthday... Me !

9 Crimes

Is that alright with you... Give my gun away when it's loaded

« And then she ran. She ran as fast as she could, as if to escape what seemed to chase after her. But nothing was behind her. The sound of her footsteps was the only thing left to be heard. She stopped for a second but the silence was too loud, echoing in her head. She started running again, afraid that the things that were scaring her might come back. Her heart was thumping like crazy, hurting.
...She was soon to be out of breath. »

From Goong.

Without me you got it all... So hold on

Wuthering Heights

And sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight

Bonne année... -confetti, tout ce que vous voulez. Qu'elle soit heureuse, bla-bla-bla. En tout cas, elle a bien commencé pour moi ! C'est quand même incomparable, un réveillon en famille et un réveillon entre amis. Bon, d'accord, ils se sont peut-être moins amusés que l'année dernière, ils étaient peut-être moins bourrés, mais moi je me suis bien marrée -et, un peu d'égoïsme, c'est le principal dirons-nous !-... Mais ils n'avaient pas l'air si ennuyés que ça, donc c'est tant mieux. Ah, quand même, je suis contente d'avoir passé sept heures (oui, sept heures) dans ce foutu aéroport de Genève ! Sans oublier le stress, la panique, les larmes, tout ça. Ca vallait le coup ! Les maigres deux heures de sommeil aussi, hein S. ? Si tu pouvais perdre le 24 et reprendre tes kilos pour la prochaine soirée, ça m'irait bien ! -surtout que je comptais organiser mon potentiel anniversaire ce soir-là, je viens de remarquer- Donc dès que tu sors, tu manges, héhé.
Et voilà ! A peine en 2009, je raconte déjà n'importe quoi. Et je me les gèle, merde ! Pourquoi il fait si froid ici ? Ca doit être l'accumulation de tout, ça me fait vaguement délirer. Et puis qu'est-ce que je fous là moi, au lieu de rattraper mon sommeil en retard ! ... Ah oui c'est vrai, je raconte ma vie. Boh, c'est pas si mal, j'aime bien ça, donc je vais continuer.
« Que dire, que dire ? » Pas grand chose, je pense que j'ai suffisamment abordé mes problèmes psychologiques pour ce soir... Quoique, ça ne me dérangerait pas d'en rajouter un peu. Après tout, c'est ce que je fais de mieux ici ! Et puis pour compenser le fait que j'écrive en français, je vais être encore plus chiante que d'habitude -si c'est possible. Na.
Par où commencer... ? C'est amusant, à chaque fois que je passe ici, je peux pas m'empêcher de relire le dernier article. C'est quand même dingue, sa longueur. Ca doit être vaguement représentatif de mon état ce soir-là... Je dis « vaguement », parce que je ne pense pas qu'on puisse vraiment le décrire. C'était trop dérangeant, trop mélancolique, trop triste pour essayer de l'expliquer, ou ne serait-ce que pour en reparler. Mais je suis une masochiste déclarée, évidemment... Je pourrais passer des heures à expliquer ce qu'il s'est passé dans ma tête, qui m'a traversé l'esprit, quand j'ai écrit cette brique. Mais même après ces heures, je ne pense que pas que les choses seront mises au clair. C'est comme essayer d'expliquer l'attirance, expliquer l'amour ; c'est aussi absurde qu'expliquer la peine. Il y a toujours une raison de base, mais toutes les choses qui s'y ajoutent sont tellement abstraites et tellement personnelles que je doute qu'un étranger -étranger à sa propre pensée, pas au sens littéral- le comprenne. A moins qu'il ne soit passé par la même chose, qu'il n'ait rencontré la même situation -ce qui ne se rencontre pas à tous les coins de rue. Pour résumer, c'était... douloureux. Parce que la fin de quelque chose -peu importe quoi, mais une chose forte et omniprésente- est toujours douloureuse. Sinon, vaudraient-elles la peine d'être vécues ? Mériteraient-elles qu'on en tire autant de plaisir, qu'on pleure autant pour elles ? Je ne pense pas. Mais quoi qu'il en soit, il va me falloir un bout de temps avant d'envisager quelque chose de nouveau -il me semble, du moins. Parce que c'est encore trop vif, c'est encore trop présent... Ca ne partira pas du jour au lendemain -sigh. Peut-être aussi parce que je n'ai pas le courage de reconstruire une relation. Comme je le disais dans l'article précédent, quand on a partagé autant avec quelqu'un, que le trou n'a pas eu le temps de se boucher, c'est trop dur d'entreprendre autre chose. On se dit « Et si j'en venais encore une fois à donner autant, à me séparer sans m'en rendre compte d'une autre partie de moi ? » et ça fait peur, ça fait peur de penser que ça pourrait arriver, et qu'on pourrait encore perdre autant, ressentir la même douleur. Alors oui, on pourra dire que c'est parce que je ne veux pas ressentir la même chose, mais ce n'est sûrement pas de la lâcheté ; c'est de l'autoprotection, disons. L'expérience qui parle, haha.
And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand... When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am
Après cette extension de mon explication, comment continuer ? Bientôt le retour de l'école... Oh non, pas déjà ! Pitié... ! Tellement peu de motivation... Oh tiens, et mes résolutions alors ? Parlons-en ! Alors, me donner à fond pour la danse -première et dernière année, ça vaut le coup-, réfléchir la prochaine fois que j'entreprends quoique ce soit -relation-, histoire de ne blesser personne pour rien, parce que détruire la vie des gens c'est pas mon activité favorite (haha.)... Bon, juste pour la forme, j'ajouterai "bien travailler à l'école", mais c'est sans conviction. Pourquoi pas « arrêter de raconter des conneries » ? Mais ça va être dur d'arrêter, ça... C'est la seule chose que je fais super bien... !

Et parce que c'est magnifique -et que je suis en train de le lire- :
« If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. »
« Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being. » (Catherine, Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë)
« I cannot live without my life ! I cannot live without my soul ! » (Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë)

Spotlight Is On

You know the one thing you're fighting to hold will be the one thing you've got to let go

Oh holy week ! Holiday... At last... ! I feel like I'm just so tired of it, school... These past two weeks seemed so long, and so short at the same time. Going home, studying, sleeping, taking the exams, going home, studying,... all this was really tiring. But seeing the holidays get close was making the whole thing pass by faster. And now I can also say that I haven't been studying for nothing, I kinda have good grades ! -eheh- Well at least I can be glad for that. Because if you put that aside... Man, it's been quite stormy days. My mind's been in an uproar like, all day long. I was either thinking about exams or some other deranged things. You know, when you're all stressed up with one thing, all the others seem bigger at once. Even running out of chocolate becomes a major fact ! -just kidding, it's impossible for me to run out of chocolate, I just have too much- And then, even when you're beginning to see the end of the exams, some stuff got piled up behind your back, without you even noticing. Then... kaboom, and such. So starts the « Man, what the hell's going on here ? » and « Where has this crap been stocked ?! ». More than ignoring where it was left, it's rather where it came from -and why- that you don't know. How could something big like my house -which is, you could say, quite big- hide in my mind ? Why does it always happen like that ? Why is it that I can't even trust myself about this stuff ?

Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change

Ha... well, you could say that. My way of thinking might be a little... twisted. After all maybe I'm deranged ? Must be something like this, or else I wouldn't get worked up over such matters. Overreacting and such... Is it just me ? Is it just me hurting when he says he's leaving ? Is it just me, thinking « I don't want him to go for so long » ? I always thought... he'd be here. Not even "us" being together, but at least, him being there, somewhere near, where I could still reach him. But now... I look like an idiot to myself. How could this even cross my mind ? He doesn't owe me a thing, and still I... What the heck... I'm the one who made him suffer -though I've suffered too, and we don't agree about everything concerning this matter-, I'm the one who said I couldn't deal with it any longer, and now I don't want to let go ? What is wrong with me ?! He can just live happily, well no. He has to ! But what I want from him can't make him smile. I can't bring him any happiness, too late. He finally wants to cut ties, to forget about it, to try something else, and I'm here, saying I'm hurting if he doesn't talk to me... Well I really do, but what about him ? I don't have any right to choose for him...
Still, I wanna see him, I wanna talk to him, and I want him to smile on top of that. How can I wish for something like that, when I know what he wants isn't something I can give him ? How can I make him -and myself- understand that I can't go back on what I said, that I have to let him go now, even if he's not talking to me ever again ? It's not like we won't be doing great after that. But it always seemed to me like something important. Something we can't throw away, something that can't end. Like a beautiful -but sad- tale, where the history of the two characters is nothing but ups and downs. But even then, still a book you can't take your eyes away from. You read it again and again, and you think « What would it be like if they had done this or that ? ». And you think this every time you read the book. But one time, you turn a page, and it's all blank. « What has happened to them ? Where are they now ? What have they done to get there ? » You try to answer your own questions, but the answers lie where you can't reach them ; it's too dangerous if you bet on it. You can't bet on anything if you know it'll hurt someone. So, what choice have you got left ? Ask him « What's the end of the story ? » when you know he'll say something like « It was up to you » ? Nah, doesn't sound really good... You still look for other possibilities, but it's no use ! There's no way a tale could end happily in real life. Because you screwed it all up. You ripped a page, and you thought you could live through it, but when he tries to stick it back in his own book, not the one you two own, it hurts. But you can't ask him to put it back where it was ! Because you don't want to feel like a whore, you don't want the shame, and you don't even know if the hole in your heart is going to be all filled with the page. You don't know ! So don't bet, please, don't bet and let him be. You don't have a choice here, the missing page is somewhere far, when you can't reach it, and it's safe. This is keeping him happy, you could say. Don't try to « see what it will be like if you stick back the page » and let go.

Let go... Oh my, does it sound painful... Is it just me hurting like crazy when thinking that we won't talk like we used to, ever again ? Is it just me crying when he says he can't see me anymore ? Is it just me crying when seeing this tale ending ? The characters aren't together, they've gone their way... It's too crazy. Too strange. It's like, even though it's been months since the parting, he's a part of me ! It's like he knows too much, he's taking too much of me with him ! Why does it have to be the one-of-the-two-won't-be-happy story ? Give me back my part of me... If I stay near you, there's no hole, I could say I'm almost complete, but if you're going away then... Can you give it back ? And can I give you back all you've shared with me ? Ha... Not possible, huh ? What a pain... When you share that much with somebody, it's never possible to take it back. But it seems a little worse when you know that, the missing part is missing because of you. You snatched it away, and you left your own in him by leaving. So you don't dare stop him from leaving too, even though it breaks you both. And you know it's no use trying to escape the feeling, because it will come back sooner or later -rather soon. So maybe now's the best time to do it. To part, you know, for real. Don't tell him, don't make him hurt ever again... I hope for that so much. If only he could stop hurting just by going away, in an instant, I'd live with it. It would still be hard not to talk, hard to watch him have a life without you, hard to know that he's got rid of your part while you couldn't totally erase his.

But it's all selfish thoughts, you can't tell him that you want to try something « because you still feel attracted » Attracted ! What reason is that ? You don't even have a feeling like love hanging around... And then you think "it could come back". Stop the crap, it's high time you let go.

And when you feel the wall cannot be burned, you're gonna die to try what can't be done

It's high time he separates from you. So, wish him all the luck and happiness you can, and close the book. Close it, and please stop crying on it.