Shine On

Just shine on... Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

Le tunnel s'épaississait. Les murs se rapprochaient, les extrémités s'éloignaient. L'eau passait par tous les interstices, la noyant peu à peu. Same old moves.
Et d'un coup, tout s'agrandit. L'inondation s'en fut comme elle était venue. Les murs s'écartèrent. Les extrémités s'approchèrent et la lumière posa délicatement le doigt sur elle. Elle avait mal aux yeux. Trop de lumière, trop rapidement. L'ombre s'agrippait cependant toujours à son talon. Elle respira l'air pur -non plus l'air vicié qui l'asphyxiait-, les yeux toujours fermés, et resta immobile un long moment.
Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again... She says it's high time she went away.
As strong as you were. Tender you go. I'm watching you breathing for the last time...
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
« Non. Pas de retour en arrière... » Elle ouvrit lentement les yeux. Elle lança un regard soucieux derrière elle, au tunnel, au noir, à l'odeur nauséabonde, puis se retourna. Elle fixa alors la lumière, les yeux plissés de la clarté trop forte, et prit une profonde inspiration.
Elle secoua son talon, donna une impulsion à ses muscles et son corps tout entier sortit du tunnel. Il faisait chaud. Le vent caressa doucement sa peau. Les murmures de la vie lui parvinrent petit à petit.
Tout son corps fut recouvert de lumière. Son visage. Ses mains. Son buste. Ses jambes. Ses bras. Sa vie.


Special thanks to : C., Alc., M., Alx., T., S., Bro, J. - This is all the gratitude I can show you. But you know I feel so much more.

Go And Cut Me Down

Until we're one again, we belong to the frozen world

Wah, can't believe this is actually my 51st article... Well, it's not that much in a year. But still, 51 ! Nice job. "What job ? Nobody asked you to write all this uninteresting stuff about your uninteresting life !" Okay, okay. I'm just glad I could write that much, because it helps me, in a way. I can take my anger or pain out on something instead of someone, and that's a good thing -I wouldn't want anybody getting hurt because of my bad temper (at least anybody innocent).
Hey, wait. What's this feeling ? Am I... feeling... good ? That's right, that's what it must be. Just talking with him, thinking that we're able to speak this way, feels really warm. Warm. I haven't felt that for a long time now -or what seems like a long time- and only with a few people since then. How nice... It's like I almost could change this title, like I could go and smile tomorrow.
« Hey, hold on there. Don't get too carried away. You're just chatting. Does it mean that much ? Trouble's on the way tomorrow too. » Yes, I know that. I'm just happy now and I want to keep this feeling until I go to bed, even until I get to school... I think that's what I'll do. I'll go to sleep now. Just hoping I can dream happily with this mood.
-What an useless article tonight... ! Whatever, I like it. It's like a little sunray in my current life.-

Speak The Word

I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground

Sometimes I really wish I hadn't come. I wish I'd stayed back there, even though the lessons were much easier, but where I still could have spent such a nice year. I'm growing angry now, even soured. It's like I'm aging without the years in between. School days, homework, English lessons... So boring. All of it. Except maybe for my friends -you know, the ones who like me. They're keeping my head out of water, if I can say so ; my brother is, too. Especially him. If you have one, don't worry about arguing ; the time will come when both of you can talk freely. And it's a great time.
Apart from that, what could I say ? Committees seem strangely far away, and strangely... not there. Oh, my bad. It's only normal : they're not. Whatever, why do I spend my time complaining about those stupid things that won't change ? So useless. What could I possibly do to make something good happen...
Love's not on my list right now -nor does it seem to be on my way. Friends have been for long -they're doing a great job here. Family, he's there for me too. But there's something missing. Peace of mind ? Real happiness ? No. That's not what's missing, that's the point. So what ? Maybe a little more mature people. Some who can listen to you without asking you -so politely...- to shut your mouth. The ones you meet where you weren't expecting them. But the problem is, now you don't know where to look anymore. Know why ? Because there aren't any left.
Were you really expecting more than this few ? Come on, you were getting your hopes up all by yourself. Just look where you are. You're not with grown-ups. You're in high school. And, you don't know why, but they just seem to get more stupid by the time they're growing up. Funny, huh ? I guess that's just how things are.
Oh my, what am I saying. I'll get scolded again ! « You're so arrogant, so full of yourself, you horrible geek. Just go back to your books, as you always do. » Right, of course. I spend my time studying. I have no social life. I don't know what "fun" means. You know what ? At least I know what « brain » means ! And then you look at all those little remarks and you think : « Don't they have anything in their life, making them happy, except mocking others ? But what the hell are they going to do later ? » You know, college's not high school. If you draw your path by laughing at others from the beginning, you're not going to make as much friends as here. But well, I'd really like to see you try.
Because, yes, I'd find that so funny, watching you drown.

Image : Maria, Akuma To Love Song.

Mouvement Introductif

Your dress is covered with blood, but you keep dancing and you keep dancing

Back from my cousins'... Very nice evening. So terrible week. Again. Even though I went out yesterday night, and I was happy to breathe some fresh air and see the people I like, something totally... How should I put it... ruined the mood. What's with giving advice when you don't even relate with the person anymore ? Just mind your own business, and don't call me whatever you like because you feel alone. I'm not your pet, I'm not someone to whom you can speak each crazy idea aloud. I. Don't. Wanna. Hear. From. You. Again.
Being called a wh*re -or any other word you seem to like so much when it comes to me- just because I did something you disapprove with, something you find « disgusting » -oh come on, be serious !-, is too much.
Funny. It's like I said "too much" so many times before. But now, not a single little feeling ties me to you. I'm free -you understand, free- to do what I want. I don't have to weigh any pro or con, I can leave when I want. I can stop talking to you right now, and finally be happy without someone scolding me for everything I do. I don't have to « stay », I'm not losing a thing ! I. Can. Quit.
And you're not part of my happiness' scheme.

Waoh. I think I've said much more -talking about substance- this past week than in a year's time. (My blog's actually a little more than a year. Happy Birthday !) Crazy. Do I have that much anger and resentment in me, making me write everything running through my mind ? Maybe. Maybe I just need to give it to somebody, or simply write it somewhere, to lessen the pain until I can talk to him.
But, hey. At least we've got sun.

Image : just my doing.

Please Light The Way

And I discovered that my castle stands upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand

Amazing how I absolutely don't feel like writing in French these days. Maybe the words come faster, or more easily in English. You know what ? Whatever. I'll write in English anyway.
So, what's up ? Nothing. Funny, heh ? Nothing. No change, no news, no particular happening. Maybe except that I'm much bitter right now. Well, not bad... for me at least. But come on, who cares about the others ? I'm not that bitter just because I want it. So, I don't care if they have to suffer from it -well, not all of them, right. But still, what would make them deserve this tiny bit of attention ? Oh of course, they're so kind to everyone, not ever saying anything behind anyone's back, so straight-forward, so lovey-dovey, so "today and every day of the year I love everybody". Haha. Of Course. . .
. . . They don't give a damn about me. Why should I ? Why should I care listening to them, taking in each of their comments in, letting it burn my joy down ?! That's my last year too, you know ! Stop destroying the little happiness I have in this crazy school ! There're moments when I'm so regretting having left S.H.A.P.E... I'm missing the atmosphere back there, the small number of people, the friendly feeling... Whatever. You're not alone here, could you please stop watching your belly button ? Thanks. Oh, no, you're doing it again.
Guess you can't help it.

Wall Breached

For some reason I can't explain, once you go there was never, never an honest word

It's funny how it's just when everything goes very well that it all comes crashing down. Just like the sun shines and goes away in the blink of an eye to let the rain pour. Shattered windows in the sound of drums. Then your heart begins to pound strangely just by thinking of it, and your world seems to drown, even though you know it's so little problem compared to others, but now you have your own clouds, and you can't see through, and you can't do anything about it. You just let it wash your happiness away, you have it on your mind, everyday, in this -so small- corner of your mind, but when you're alone, the corner suddenly widens and you're drawn to it. At this very moment, your small world's revolving all around you and just by moving your hand, you can catch each of the facets you see. But then you blink and it's gone ; the warmth is gone, the facets are still shattered in pieces -they really are-, not standing in your palms anymore. They're not standing anywhere near you, except for little of them. That's when you know your Happily ever after isn't showing on TV tonight, that's when you wake up and you think « Wait up right there, where are you going ? Why're we torn apart ? » Because it's the word. Your little radiant world is torn. You know this song, Natalie Imbruglia's ?
That's what's going on : nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor
Illusions haven't changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late... I'm already torn.
That's how it feels. Just like pulling out your heart and slowly carving your ex-sun on it, then putting it back into your body and stitching the wound up.
That's what you do. You stitch it up. You put the shattered facets in a small, wooden box, you seal it and place it carefully in this -so small- corner of your mind. You keep the little of the facets standing near your very close. You enjoy every moment with them, still trying not to think about any of the others. But not today ; they're gone or washed away, they're gone or washed away... But it's taken you by surprise, and you can't seem to forget it all. It remains on your mind, still. The wooden box is not that well sealed. It's flowing through. So, you let the tears flow too.

And then, you try to heal.

Up Is Down

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me

Nous voilà repartis pour une nouvelle année... Une dernière. En secondaire, en tout cas.
"Enfin."... "Déjà !" I liked it. Raison de plus pour en profiter à fond, à savoir soirées à organiser, stage, voyage(s), show, bal. Joli programme, si on ajoute les cours -mais c'est tellement facultatif, ça...- et les amis -ça par contre... !
La fin des vacances ne s'est pas si mal passée ; juste certaines longues journées. On peut quand même citer les 8 pages Word ajoutées à mon total, dont je suis, il faut le dire, assez fière. C'est pas si facile en fin de compte, de planifier une adolescence. Et encore, il me manque toute la suite... -sigh-
A part ça, j'ai eu l'occasion de revoir plein de monde en rentrant, ce qui a fait mon petit bonheur avant la reprise des cours. Ca fait bizarre de ne plus passer son temps à rien faire chez soi, quand même...
J'ai pas mal de projets en cours, en plus. Toujours l'histoire, évidemment, un stage dans un journal que j'aimerais vraiment décrocher, un boulot que je cherche pour Noël, ... Oh que je sonne motivée. C'est beau à voir ! Une petite larme ?

On s'en remet, on s'en remet. En fait c'est fait. Et le mieux, c'est que je ne me sens pas coupable de m'en être remise. Pourquoi ? Parce que c'est ce qu'il fallait faire. La preuve, je me sens bien. En dehors de l'humeur dégueulasse à cause d'un plagiat débile, mais ça c'est futile. Ce qui est bénéfique, c'est que maintenant je peux tracer plus précisément ce qu'il me faut, ce dont j'ai envie chez quelqu'un, et ce qu'il ne me faut pas. Alors quand on dit que les expériences sont utiles, ne riez pas au nez de celui qui le dit. A moins que vous tombiez du premier coup sur votre âme soeur -oh oui bien sûr, tout le monde est convaincu. Donc, conclusion, ce n'est pas joyeux pour tout le monde mais c'est bénéfique pour les deux, dans le fond.

Qu'est-ce que je pourrais vous offrir ? La dernière Coldplay que tout le monde connaît ? Non, j'ai une meilleure idée. Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars. En prime, vous avez droit aux paroles sous les yeux... c'est pas magnifique, ça ? Enfin ce qui est surtout magnifique, c'est cette chanson.

Image : Ruika, Global Garden - dessiné par moi.