Spotlight Is On

You know the one thing you're fighting to hold will be the one thing you've got to let go

Oh holy week ! Holiday... At last... ! I feel like I'm just so tired of it, school... These past two weeks seemed so long, and so short at the same time. Going home, studying, sleeping, taking the exams, going home, studying,... all this was really tiring. But seeing the holidays get close was making the whole thing pass by faster. And now I can also say that I haven't been studying for nothing, I kinda have good grades ! -eheh- Well at least I can be glad for that. Because if you put that aside... Man, it's been quite stormy days. My mind's been in an uproar like, all day long. I was either thinking about exams or some other deranged things. You know, when you're all stressed up with one thing, all the others seem bigger at once. Even running out of chocolate becomes a major fact ! -just kidding, it's impossible for me to run out of chocolate, I just have too much- And then, even when you're beginning to see the end of the exams, some stuff got piled up behind your back, without you even noticing. Then... kaboom, and such. So starts the « Man, what the hell's going on here ? » and « Where has this crap been stocked ?! ». More than ignoring where it was left, it's rather where it came from -and why- that you don't know. How could something big like my house -which is, you could say, quite big- hide in my mind ? Why does it always happen like that ? Why is it that I can't even trust myself about this stuff ?

Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change

Ha... well, you could say that. My way of thinking might be a little... twisted. After all maybe I'm deranged ? Must be something like this, or else I wouldn't get worked up over such matters. Overreacting and such... Is it just me ? Is it just me hurting when he says he's leaving ? Is it just me, thinking « I don't want him to go for so long » ? I always thought... he'd be here. Not even "us" being together, but at least, him being there, somewhere near, where I could still reach him. But now... I look like an idiot to myself. How could this even cross my mind ? He doesn't owe me a thing, and still I... What the heck... I'm the one who made him suffer -though I've suffered too, and we don't agree about everything concerning this matter-, I'm the one who said I couldn't deal with it any longer, and now I don't want to let go ? What is wrong with me ?! He can just live happily, well no. He has to ! But what I want from him can't make him smile. I can't bring him any happiness, too late. He finally wants to cut ties, to forget about it, to try something else, and I'm here, saying I'm hurting if he doesn't talk to me... Well I really do, but what about him ? I don't have any right to choose for him...
Still, I wanna see him, I wanna talk to him, and I want him to smile on top of that. How can I wish for something like that, when I know what he wants isn't something I can give him ? How can I make him -and myself- understand that I can't go back on what I said, that I have to let him go now, even if he's not talking to me ever again ? It's not like we won't be doing great after that. But it always seemed to me like something important. Something we can't throw away, something that can't end. Like a beautiful -but sad- tale, where the history of the two characters is nothing but ups and downs. But even then, still a book you can't take your eyes away from. You read it again and again, and you think « What would it be like if they had done this or that ? ». And you think this every time you read the book. But one time, you turn a page, and it's all blank. « What has happened to them ? Where are they now ? What have they done to get there ? » You try to answer your own questions, but the answers lie where you can't reach them ; it's too dangerous if you bet on it. You can't bet on anything if you know it'll hurt someone. So, what choice have you got left ? Ask him « What's the end of the story ? » when you know he'll say something like « It was up to you » ? Nah, doesn't sound really good... You still look for other possibilities, but it's no use ! There's no way a tale could end happily in real life. Because you screwed it all up. You ripped a page, and you thought you could live through it, but when he tries to stick it back in his own book, not the one you two own, it hurts. But you can't ask him to put it back where it was ! Because you don't want to feel like a whore, you don't want the shame, and you don't even know if the hole in your heart is going to be all filled with the page. You don't know ! So don't bet, please, don't bet and let him be. You don't have a choice here, the missing page is somewhere far, when you can't reach it, and it's safe. This is keeping him happy, you could say. Don't try to « see what it will be like if you stick back the page » and let go.

Let go... Oh my, does it sound painful... Is it just me hurting like crazy when thinking that we won't talk like we used to, ever again ? Is it just me crying when he says he can't see me anymore ? Is it just me crying when seeing this tale ending ? The characters aren't together, they've gone their way... It's too crazy. Too strange. It's like, even though it's been months since the parting, he's a part of me ! It's like he knows too much, he's taking too much of me with him ! Why does it have to be the one-of-the-two-won't-be-happy story ? Give me back my part of me... If I stay near you, there's no hole, I could say I'm almost complete, but if you're going away then... Can you give it back ? And can I give you back all you've shared with me ? Ha... Not possible, huh ? What a pain... When you share that much with somebody, it's never possible to take it back. But it seems a little worse when you know that, the missing part is missing because of you. You snatched it away, and you left your own in him by leaving. So you don't dare stop him from leaving too, even though it breaks you both. And you know it's no use trying to escape the feeling, because it will come back sooner or later -rather soon. So maybe now's the best time to do it. To part, you know, for real. Don't tell him, don't make him hurt ever again... I hope for that so much. If only he could stop hurting just by going away, in an instant, I'd live with it. It would still be hard not to talk, hard to watch him have a life without you, hard to know that he's got rid of your part while you couldn't totally erase his.

But it's all selfish thoughts, you can't tell him that you want to try something « because you still feel attracted » Attracted ! What reason is that ? You don't even have a feeling like love hanging around... And then you think "it could come back". Stop the crap, it's high time you let go.

And when you feel the wall cannot be burned, you're gonna die to try what can't be done

It's high time he separates from you. So, wish him all the luck and happiness you can, and close the book. Close it, and please stop crying on it.

Eyes On Fire

And save your soul, before you're too far gone, before nothing can be done

Man, it's been like forever... What have I been doing all this time ? Well, I don't quite know... Reading, sleeping, eating, studying, I guess. It's been less than a month but it feels like an eternity to me. Maybe because I really needed to write tonight ? -grin- Sometimes I don't feel like coming here at all, too much on my mind or whatever, but at times I'm like this close to exploding so... I'm just letting it all out here ! That's what it was made for anyway.
Cheh, exams... Tiring thing. What have we done to the world for it to let us go through such a torture ? I'm a good girl, I've never killed anybody, I've never stolen anything, I promise ! Please, get me out of that... In the beginning it seems like you can take it for some time but now... I feel like leaving, for Japan or Texas ! Yeah, maybe Texas would be nice. Do you think it's this freaking cold in the USA at this time of the year ? For sure it's not ! Well, it's settled then. Be right back, I'll go prepare my luggage...
...Man, I'm crazy. What nonsense... I haven't drunk a single drop of alcool though. Maybe these tests are getting on my nerves. Maybe I'm just going mad...
'Cause damn, all this... hurts...

Yiruma - River Flows In You.

Love Lockdown

Truth is hard to swallow, so you pray to God to justify the way you live a lie, live a lie

Aw, what a day... School, work, people, school again... What a pain. It's just like I'm not getting any fun from going there. Seeing my friends does not compare to seeing the other ones -who're not particularly lighting my day- or so it seems. There's so much I want to tell them, so much I want to let out, but I can't say a word, because they just won't listen. Oh, yes, I'm just too straight-forward. Well of course that's why ! « Please, don't tell us what's wrong with us right in front of us because it's reaaally a bother. We just can't stand hearing the truth from your mouth, because you're like... totally different from us, you dare to make yourself a one-of-a-kind so whatever, anything you say just doesn't count. » Okay, fine with me. Just don't listen to me, that way I can still speak about it to people who're interested, without you complaining and insulting me.
Ow, life would be perfect right now, if it wasn't for those idiots. Well, anyway, I'll just ignore them. But if you could just leave me alone for a bit, I'd even thank you -maybe.
... Or maybe not that perfect. Exams are dangerously getting closer and I feel like I'm totally out of strength. No motivation for studying... Coming home, eating, studying, studying, sleeping, studying, going to school, having your nerves completely twisted... Aw, no, this is not for me... Maybe I should become buddhist, what do you think ? That seems like a good idea.
... Or maybe not that perfect at all. What was I thinking, "perfect" ! Am I dumb or what ? Whatever... Crap, why's it hard ? Why's it hard keeping it from getting into my mind everytime ? Why is it that when I want to think about something else, it creeps into my head ! Damn it, I didn't want it to become like that. It's like I'm some junkie who needs drugs ; I'm missing a thing too often. Want to know the worst part for me ? A saw our future. I saw it all. And I want it bad. I want it all. But I can't. And it's killing me. Maybe that's how it is. But you know what ? I want to say it. I want to shout it till my lungs are sore, that, yes, I think about it, yes, I miss it, yes I need some of it to be happy. It's just too late now.

Image : Tsukasa in Tokyo Crazy Paradise. Some Extra.

Mr. Curiosity

It takes some fears to make you trust, it takes those tears to make it rust

Ow, back to work... So painful. Getting up early -even though it's what I've been doing for the whole holiday-, studying, listening during class... Well, that's how my life looks like. It's kind of tiring, ne ? But on the other side, it's so much fun being with them all, laughing, smiling, chatting. So I'll just bear with school for a while longer, I guess -like I'd have the choice !
Anyway, strange things are happening. My private life seems to become more than « private ». Then, what's the point of saying "private", you say ! I'm wondering too. First, who could possibly spread the word ? I mean, among the very few people I told about it, who'd find some fun telling everybody ? Whatever. I guess I'll never know... But damn, it's frustrating.
Other than that, what's with me being this paper ? A little sense, come on... Like I'd do something without writing my name, knowing that's what I want to do later ? I'd have taken that like a training... Oh well, just think however you want, if you like thinking for nothing.
It takes no time to fall in love... But it takes you years to know what love is
Ah, Jason, your lyrics are always so true. No worries, I'm not going to blabber about "what is love ?" and "how do you know it's love ?", I just wanted to quote him (Jason Mraz) and his song (Life is Wonderful) because I reaaally like it. Well, you could say I just reaaally like him. And him too, which is probably why I'm listening to this song again and again ; maybe just trying to grasp its feeling, its depth. Or is it just me seeing all this in one song ? Maybe. It wouldn't be so surprising, knowing my current state of mind...
Unfortunately, looks like I'm the only one not calling it a filthy trick. Almost the only one... Well, maybe not the only one ! Strange, isn't it ? Me being happy, oh, bad move. "It's not that you're happy, it's the way you use to be happy". Haha.
Anywayyy, things will remain just the same. They'll stay like they are and that's fine with. We'll do the same, and even if it's not fine with somebody... Eheh. What the hell do I care ?
Looking at God but he's looking at you

Okay, now that I've talked about it : Jason Mraz - Life is Wonderful. I'm just asking to, please, listen to the lyrics...

Image : some « random » feet. (the copyright's still effective)

Accidentally...

How much longer will it take to cure this ? Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love

Seems like the weather's echoing my mood today ! Sunlight, brightness. Ouch, this sounds like the beginning of a carefree article. Whatever, I'll just deal with being like that today -and so you'll do. Well, well, well. Where to begin ? I'm still a little tired -even though I got a nice ten-hour sleep- so please excuse my incoherence...
That was what you could call a perfect day. Okay, except for the morning. Waiting in the station for this long was getting on my nerves for sure ! But well, the day got it out of my mind. -eheh- Anyway, I was taking loads of picture (buildings, pigeons -yes, the birds, not the mugs-, even the merry-go-round) when I heard somebody talking behind me. Well if it wasn't him ! So began the day. Eating was the priority. So that's what we did. (Oh my, I'm still spouting nonsense...) We had a walk and then we found this -so funny- café... We didn't know at first but anybody could tell it was kind of... gay GQ. But that was really nice ! The talk began, anything was good to be spoken about -I definitely like your hair. And then the park again, the pictures, the kids and the weird sculpture,...
We could eventually find the inspiring bench. Well, yes, it was indeed inspiring.
Come one, come on, jump a little higher ; come on, come on, if you feel a little lighter !
And then the rest of the day flew by ; another café, another walk -it was damn freezing !-, another bench... And it was great. Cold, but great. Though my back still hurts, but no worries. Just another memory !
Ah... Now's time to get to work. Ack. Ok let's move out of this chair !

Just one more thing : Brandy - Right Here (departed). A little cliché -especially the video- but I reaaally like it.
Image : one of my pictures -I named it "The Pigeon".

Whisper Of A Thrill

Why does my heart feel so bad ? Why does my soul... feel so bad ?

Ah, 22 octobre... Déjà... Déjà une semaine depuis le concert. De qui ? De qui, ils demandent ! James Blunt. Ne serait-ce qu'y repenser me donne encore des frissons. C'est un souvenir que je vais garder très longtemps, et très précieusement. (Tout comme le t-shirt) Je vais pas vous raconter tout en détail ; musique, James, yeepee.
Ah, bientôt les vacances -enfin les vacances... Elles deviennent de plus en plus bienvenues, on dirait. On se demande bien pourquoi -hum hum. Quand les cours sont ennuyeux, que les gens qu'on a vraiment envie de voir ne sont pas tous à l'école, qu'il y a un bon millier d'autres choses qu'on aimerait faire au lieu d'être là-bas, que les professeurs vous prennent pour des machines... Franchement, quand il y a tout ça, pourquoi voudrait-on être en vacances ?! Et on se pose encore la question... J'vous jure... Ca devient tellement lent.
Look at my feet, moving slowly... I'm afraid it's over
Les cours, les jours, le travail... c'est la démotivation totale -et je ne parle pas que de moi. C'est peut-être l'effet rhéto, qui sait. Et l'envie d'autre chose. Aller voir ailleurs, changer totalement, ne serait-ce que pour un jour ! But it's okay if you had to go away
Je sais, je sais, il faut profiter de cette année, ce sera la meilleure de ta vie, c'est ça c'est ça. En même temps, chacun son truc. Oui, je râle pour des choses qui peuvent paraître futiles. Oui, je me plains de cette année parce que, non, elle n'a pas l'air de la meilleure de ma vie. Comme celles dans cette école. Mais ce sont des choses qui me tiennent à coeur ; je me plains peut-être parfois pour rien, mais celles-ci... font que mon année n'est pas à marquer d'une croix blanche. C'est comme ça, je n'y peux rien, je ne dis pas que c'est la faute des autres non plus. Mais j'ai le droit de ne pas apprécier cette année, bien que d'autres l'aient adoré ou peu importe. Et j'ai le droit de ne pas aimer tout le monde, de ne pas satisfaire leurs critères, de ne pas être comme ils aimeraient que je sois, de ne pas m'adapter à chacun. Je n'apprécie pas tout le monde, eux non plus. Point, barre.
Amen, Omen, will I see your face again ?
Il serait temps de se manifester, là. Une date, un signe, n'importe quoi. Parce que tourner en rond sans savoir si c'est fondé... non merci. J'en ai eu assez, je pense... Can I find the place within, to live my life... without you ? Let's just see what will happen next. Je ne peux juste pas m'empêcher de penser à ça, de me poser des questions, de me demander si ça a vraiment un but, si ça a ne serait-ce qu'un peu de bon sens. Ah le bon sens... Après tout, comme si j'en avais besoin... I listen to a whisper that slowly drifts away ; silence is the loudest parting word you never say

Image : une de mes photos -copyright, si vous voulez.

Colors

I am blue today, calm as glass and cool like the sea

Ah, la vie est belle. Presque. Hein, C. ? -wink- Douze ans... C'est marrant, j'y repense comme ça, maintenant. Ca fait loin. C'est un bout de temps pour cicatriser. Mais, chose étrange, ça cicatrise jamais totalement. Pourtant, je suis pas hémophile... (trop drôle.) La plupart du temps, on transporte ça comme une plume, parce que ça fait partie de soi ; c'est un morceau de ce qu'on est, c'est dans notre histoire. Mais parfois, la plume se couvre de plomb et ça devient plutôt lourd. Heureusement, c'est assez rare. Mais quand ça arrive, on repense à tout ce qu'on ferait « si », à ce qu'on serait devenu. Et ça rend un peu triste. (Mais quand même, imaginez que je serais en Nouvelle-Zélande à l'heure qu'il est !)
Et la vie n'est pas toujours belle non plus de ce côté-là... Enfin. Elle est belle, mais disons... pas toujours simple. Je me répète mais : « purée, je veux un choix simple, merdeee ! » En même temps, j'ai l'impression que je me complique la vie toute seule. Haha, je suis stupide ou quoi ? J'adore extrapoler. Plus je fais d'hypothèses, plus je rajoute au tas de questions. Bien joué, Do. Enfin, on peut aussi attendre de voir. Quoique généralement, quand j'attends de voir, c'est la merde. Et c'est pas l'option qui m'emballe le plus, là, tout de suite.

Tiens je vous proposerais bien une petite détente : KiD CuDi - The Prayer. And if I die, before I wake... Oh que oui, c'est du pur plaisir.

Image : a glimpse of...

Shine On

Just shine on... Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

Le tunnel s'épaississait. Les murs se rapprochaient, les extrémités s'éloignaient. L'eau passait par tous les interstices, la noyant peu à peu. Same old moves.
Et d'un coup, tout s'agrandit. L'inondation s'en fut comme elle était venue. Les murs s'écartèrent. Les extrémités s'approchèrent et la lumière posa délicatement le doigt sur elle. Elle avait mal aux yeux. Trop de lumière, trop rapidement. L'ombre s'agrippait cependant toujours à son talon. Elle respira l'air pur -non plus l'air vicié qui l'asphyxiait-, les yeux toujours fermés, et resta immobile un long moment.
Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again... She says it's high time she went away.
As strong as you were. Tender you go. I'm watching you breathing for the last time...
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
« Non. Pas de retour en arrière... » Elle ouvrit lentement les yeux. Elle lança un regard soucieux derrière elle, au tunnel, au noir, à l'odeur nauséabonde, puis se retourna. Elle fixa alors la lumière, les yeux plissés de la clarté trop forte, et prit une profonde inspiration.
Elle secoua son talon, donna une impulsion à ses muscles et son corps tout entier sortit du tunnel. Il faisait chaud. Le vent caressa doucement sa peau. Les murmures de la vie lui parvinrent petit à petit.
Tout son corps fut recouvert de lumière. Son visage. Ses mains. Son buste. Ses jambes. Ses bras. Sa vie.


Special thanks to : C., Alc., M., Alx., T., S., Bro, J. - This is all the gratitude I can show you. But you know I feel so much more.

Go And Cut Me Down

Until we're one again, we belong to the frozen world

Wah, can't believe this is actually my 51st article... Well, it's not that much in a year. But still, 51 ! Nice job. "What job ? Nobody asked you to write all this uninteresting stuff about your uninteresting life !" Okay, okay. I'm just glad I could write that much, because it helps me, in a way. I can take my anger or pain out on something instead of someone, and that's a good thing -I wouldn't want anybody getting hurt because of my bad temper (at least anybody innocent).
Hey, wait. What's this feeling ? Am I... feeling... good ? That's right, that's what it must be. Just talking with him, thinking that we're able to speak this way, feels really warm. Warm. I haven't felt that for a long time now -or what seems like a long time- and only with a few people since then. How nice... It's like I almost could change this title, like I could go and smile tomorrow.
« Hey, hold on there. Don't get too carried away. You're just chatting. Does it mean that much ? Trouble's on the way tomorrow too. » Yes, I know that. I'm just happy now and I want to keep this feeling until I go to bed, even until I get to school... I think that's what I'll do. I'll go to sleep now. Just hoping I can dream happily with this mood.
-What an useless article tonight... ! Whatever, I like it. It's like a little sunray in my current life.-

Speak The Word

I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground

Sometimes I really wish I hadn't come. I wish I'd stayed back there, even though the lessons were much easier, but where I still could have spent such a nice year. I'm growing angry now, even soured. It's like I'm aging without the years in between. School days, homework, English lessons... So boring. All of it. Except maybe for my friends -you know, the ones who like me. They're keeping my head out of water, if I can say so ; my brother is, too. Especially him. If you have one, don't worry about arguing ; the time will come when both of you can talk freely. And it's a great time.
Apart from that, what could I say ? Committees seem strangely far away, and strangely... not there. Oh, my bad. It's only normal : they're not. Whatever, why do I spend my time complaining about those stupid things that won't change ? So useless. What could I possibly do to make something good happen...
Love's not on my list right now -nor does it seem to be on my way. Friends have been for long -they're doing a great job here. Family, he's there for me too. But there's something missing. Peace of mind ? Real happiness ? No. That's not what's missing, that's the point. So what ? Maybe a little more mature people. Some who can listen to you without asking you -so politely...- to shut your mouth. The ones you meet where you weren't expecting them. But the problem is, now you don't know where to look anymore. Know why ? Because there aren't any left.
Were you really expecting more than this few ? Come on, you were getting your hopes up all by yourself. Just look where you are. You're not with grown-ups. You're in high school. And, you don't know why, but they just seem to get more stupid by the time they're growing up. Funny, huh ? I guess that's just how things are.
Oh my, what am I saying. I'll get scolded again ! « You're so arrogant, so full of yourself, you horrible geek. Just go back to your books, as you always do. » Right, of course. I spend my time studying. I have no social life. I don't know what "fun" means. You know what ? At least I know what « brain » means ! And then you look at all those little remarks and you think : « Don't they have anything in their life, making them happy, except mocking others ? But what the hell are they going to do later ? » You know, college's not high school. If you draw your path by laughing at others from the beginning, you're not going to make as much friends as here. But well, I'd really like to see you try.
Because, yes, I'd find that so funny, watching you drown.

Image : Maria, Akuma To Love Song.

Mouvement Introductif

Your dress is covered with blood, but you keep dancing and you keep dancing

Back from my cousins'... Very nice evening. So terrible week. Again. Even though I went out yesterday night, and I was happy to breathe some fresh air and see the people I like, something totally... How should I put it... ruined the mood. What's with giving advice when you don't even relate with the person anymore ? Just mind your own business, and don't call me whatever you like because you feel alone. I'm not your pet, I'm not someone to whom you can speak each crazy idea aloud. I. Don't. Wanna. Hear. From. You. Again.
Being called a wh*re -or any other word you seem to like so much when it comes to me- just because I did something you disapprove with, something you find « disgusting » -oh come on, be serious !-, is too much.
Funny. It's like I said "too much" so many times before. But now, not a single little feeling ties me to you. I'm free -you understand, free- to do what I want. I don't have to weigh any pro or con, I can leave when I want. I can stop talking to you right now, and finally be happy without someone scolding me for everything I do. I don't have to « stay », I'm not losing a thing ! I. Can. Quit.
And you're not part of my happiness' scheme.

Waoh. I think I've said much more -talking about substance- this past week than in a year's time. (My blog's actually a little more than a year. Happy Birthday !) Crazy. Do I have that much anger and resentment in me, making me write everything running through my mind ? Maybe. Maybe I just need to give it to somebody, or simply write it somewhere, to lessen the pain until I can talk to him.
But, hey. At least we've got sun.

Image : just my doing.

Please Light The Way

And I discovered that my castle stands upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand

Amazing how I absolutely don't feel like writing in French these days. Maybe the words come faster, or more easily in English. You know what ? Whatever. I'll write in English anyway.
So, what's up ? Nothing. Funny, heh ? Nothing. No change, no news, no particular happening. Maybe except that I'm much bitter right now. Well, not bad... for me at least. But come on, who cares about the others ? I'm not that bitter just because I want it. So, I don't care if they have to suffer from it -well, not all of them, right. But still, what would make them deserve this tiny bit of attention ? Oh of course, they're so kind to everyone, not ever saying anything behind anyone's back, so straight-forward, so lovey-dovey, so "today and every day of the year I love everybody". Haha. Of Course. . .
. . . They don't give a damn about me. Why should I ? Why should I care listening to them, taking in each of their comments in, letting it burn my joy down ?! That's my last year too, you know ! Stop destroying the little happiness I have in this crazy school ! There're moments when I'm so regretting having left S.H.A.P.E... I'm missing the atmosphere back there, the small number of people, the friendly feeling... Whatever. You're not alone here, could you please stop watching your belly button ? Thanks. Oh, no, you're doing it again.
Guess you can't help it.

Wall Breached

For some reason I can't explain, once you go there was never, never an honest word

It's funny how it's just when everything goes very well that it all comes crashing down. Just like the sun shines and goes away in the blink of an eye to let the rain pour. Shattered windows in the sound of drums. Then your heart begins to pound strangely just by thinking of it, and your world seems to drown, even though you know it's so little problem compared to others, but now you have your own clouds, and you can't see through, and you can't do anything about it. You just let it wash your happiness away, you have it on your mind, everyday, in this -so small- corner of your mind, but when you're alone, the corner suddenly widens and you're drawn to it. At this very moment, your small world's revolving all around you and just by moving your hand, you can catch each of the facets you see. But then you blink and it's gone ; the warmth is gone, the facets are still shattered in pieces -they really are-, not standing in your palms anymore. They're not standing anywhere near you, except for little of them. That's when you know your Happily ever after isn't showing on TV tonight, that's when you wake up and you think « Wait up right there, where are you going ? Why're we torn apart ? » Because it's the word. Your little radiant world is torn. You know this song, Natalie Imbruglia's ?
That's what's going on : nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor
Illusions haven't changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late... I'm already torn.
That's how it feels. Just like pulling out your heart and slowly carving your ex-sun on it, then putting it back into your body and stitching the wound up.
That's what you do. You stitch it up. You put the shattered facets in a small, wooden box, you seal it and place it carefully in this -so small- corner of your mind. You keep the little of the facets standing near your very close. You enjoy every moment with them, still trying not to think about any of the others. But not today ; they're gone or washed away, they're gone or washed away... But it's taken you by surprise, and you can't seem to forget it all. It remains on your mind, still. The wooden box is not that well sealed. It's flowing through. So, you let the tears flow too.

And then, you try to heal.

Up Is Down

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me

Nous voilà repartis pour une nouvelle année... Une dernière. En secondaire, en tout cas.
"Enfin."... "Déjà !" I liked it. Raison de plus pour en profiter à fond, à savoir soirées à organiser, stage, voyage(s), show, bal. Joli programme, si on ajoute les cours -mais c'est tellement facultatif, ça...- et les amis -ça par contre... !
La fin des vacances ne s'est pas si mal passée ; juste certaines longues journées. On peut quand même citer les 8 pages Word ajoutées à mon total, dont je suis, il faut le dire, assez fière. C'est pas si facile en fin de compte, de planifier une adolescence. Et encore, il me manque toute la suite... -sigh-
A part ça, j'ai eu l'occasion de revoir plein de monde en rentrant, ce qui a fait mon petit bonheur avant la reprise des cours. Ca fait bizarre de ne plus passer son temps à rien faire chez soi, quand même...
J'ai pas mal de projets en cours, en plus. Toujours l'histoire, évidemment, un stage dans un journal que j'aimerais vraiment décrocher, un boulot que je cherche pour Noël, ... Oh que je sonne motivée. C'est beau à voir ! Une petite larme ?

On s'en remet, on s'en remet. En fait c'est fait. Et le mieux, c'est que je ne me sens pas coupable de m'en être remise. Pourquoi ? Parce que c'est ce qu'il fallait faire. La preuve, je me sens bien. En dehors de l'humeur dégueulasse à cause d'un plagiat débile, mais ça c'est futile. Ce qui est bénéfique, c'est que maintenant je peux tracer plus précisément ce qu'il me faut, ce dont j'ai envie chez quelqu'un, et ce qu'il ne me faut pas. Alors quand on dit que les expériences sont utiles, ne riez pas au nez de celui qui le dit. A moins que vous tombiez du premier coup sur votre âme soeur -oh oui bien sûr, tout le monde est convaincu. Donc, conclusion, ce n'est pas joyeux pour tout le monde mais c'est bénéfique pour les deux, dans le fond.

Qu'est-ce que je pourrais vous offrir ? La dernière Coldplay que tout le monde connaît ? Non, j'ai une meilleure idée. Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars. En prime, vous avez droit aux paroles sous les yeux... c'est pas magnifique, ça ? Enfin ce qui est surtout magnifique, c'est cette chanson.

Image : Ruika, Global Garden - dessiné par moi.

New Moon

« The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse. »

I couldn't find a truest quote. I just have... nothing to add.

Image : Cover from Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse book.

Sunday Was A Bright Day... Yesterday

All you can do's try to know who your friends are, as you head off to the war

Ohayouu minna ! Today's weather is much more pleasant. Maybe a little too hot... Seems like I melt every time I go outside, but I'm slowly getting used to it. There are other things that make me want to scream out loud, other than the temperature... Yes, you can say « tss, it's always the same with you anyway », you're right I guess. But it's not my will !
I've been down so low people look at me and they know
Effectively, at least C. can tell just when I say "as usual"... Why is it that we cannot spend more than two weeks without arguing ? Is it a need or something ?! Geez it's getting me so angry when I think about it because the reasons for it are just... Silly. Holidays, what reason is that ? And always talking about past events, it's not the right way, ne ?
I can't say it's not my fault at all but I don't feel like blaming myself for starting it. So indeed sometimes you think "are we really matching ?", "what are we doing together if we're almost never thinking the same thing, always arguing ?"... But it would be too painful to part, wouldn't it ? I mean, going through all those quarrels to leave feels like everything that's been done is just useless.
On the other side, put it in the balance : too much trouble -- happiness when together. Which one weights more ? -sigh-

Okay now let me introduce another Japanese drama that A. told me about. I'm just at 4th ep but I'm already an addict... Geez, I'm terrible. Tadaa : Last Friends. (subtitles in English)
I hadn't heard about those actors before but they're quite good ! Enjoy !

Image : Promotion for Last Friends.

We Could Have It All

Everyone I know goes away in the end, and you could have it all - my empire of dirt

Laissez-moi juste cinq secondes pour me préparer aux jets de pierre. ... ... C'est bon allez-y.
Je sais bien, ça fait longtemps (oh oui) et tout ça, mais j'avais -un peu- des examens entre temps. Et puis avant, les révisions, et puis avant... De toute façon, j'aurai toujours une excuse. Donc les réclamations c'est 46, Allezvoirailleurs.
C'est quand même mieux que j'écrive maintenant, finalement, puisque là je peux avoir une vue d'ensemble sur tout ce qu'il s'est passé depuis.
Le doudou, les interros (nombreuses), les révisions, les examens qui approchaient de plus en plus vite, les examens eux-mêmes, le stress, l'attente, les résultats... La délivrance (vous savez, comme la dernière phase de l'accouchement, quand le placenta sort.) C'est fou ce qu'il se passe en deux mois, non ? Je trouve aussi. Pourquoi je parle toute seule moi ?

Dans sept jours, je pars au Texas et y a toujours rien de prêt ici, c'est terrible ! (hein M., "c'est terrible" -clin d'œil à mon meilleur ami-) Je réalise pas vraiment que je vais partir trois semaines là. Je dois faire deux changements en plus. C'est fou. Je vais apprendre l'espagnol, je le sens bien. J'ai intérêt à faire le plein de bouquins ! (Vous croyez qu'ils ont des boutiques de mangas là-bas ?)

Les examens se sont bien passés, finalement. Bon, quelques déceptions, il faut l'avouer. Mais après tout, c'est des tyrans. -smirk- Et puis 80% à des examens de juin, c'est pas SI mal... Résultat, liberté plutôt sympathique à savourer ; voir tout le monde au maximum avant de partir, profiter des -rares?- instants de beau temps,...

Ah là là, c'est maintenant que vient le soupir. J'ai l'impression de l'avoir dit plein de fois, mais « qu'est-ce que c'est fatigant d'être amoureux ! » C'est vrai ça... S'énerver pour rien, s'inquiéter, lever les yeux au ciel (je me demande combien de muscles fonctionnent quand on fait ça), soupirer, penser sans arrêt, dilemme-er, en même temps sourire, être heureux, encore penser, s'embrasser, tout ça quoi ! (voix off : "c'est beau la jeunesse") Avec tout ce qu'il s'est passé en même temps, on mérite bien d'être heureux là (moue dubitative). Bon évidemment, on empêche jamais les désaccords, et c'est sûr qu'il y en a (à bas les coiffeurs) mais ça fait partie du deal, on signe pour ça. Et au final, on y gagne non ?

Tout ça pour dire, ça faisait fichtrement longtemps que je n'avais rien écrit ici, et ça me fait du bien ! Peut-être que je vais changer un peu le look ? Orange et vert c'est sympa mais si je passais un petit peu au rouge/bleu ou bien au mauve/noir ? On verra. Chers concitoyens, au revoir.

Avant de partir, juste comme ça, la perle du moment : OneManga [The Home of Manga].
Juste un avertissement, après ça on n'en sort plus hein. Donc attention, si vous vous sentez prêt, vous pouvez entrer dans la secte.

Image : Kayano de "Akuma de Sourou" (disponible sur OneManga)

Flavor Of Life

Arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai

Finalement on aime bien les vacances, quand on y pense. On fait rien, on voit des gens, on dort... On était pas pressés de revoir les professeurs. Des gens, non plus. Ah que c'est dur la vie, quand on est à l'école. (soupir)
Pourtant, j'ai l'impression d'avoir un regain de courage ces temps-ci. Je me mets à travailler un peu plus souvent (enfin sans exagération, faut pas que ça me rende malade non plus !), parfois même à l'avance. J'étudie avec un peu plus d'attention et de motivation, ... Bon par contre, je râle un peu plus. Mais faut pas m'en demander trop non plus, je peux pas être parfaite (hum) ; il faut un juste milieu : je travaille plus, je suis moins sympa. Héhé.
A côté de ça, j'ai hâte de savoir si je vais avoir du boulot cet été. Ca va être chaud... Je suppose qu'il y a pas mal de gens qui vont poser leur candidature donc moi, qui suis encore si jeune... Snif... C'est injuste !
Selon vous, c'est possible de changer ses caractéristiques ? Son essence comme dirait ce bon vieux Sartre ? (Je suis en plein dedans en philo) J'ai des doutes. Un peu gros comme des pastèques. Même s'il en reste que trois pour toute la période glaciaire. -Cette question n'attend pas de réponse, juste au cas où-
Bon si j'allais dormir moi ?

Alors... Si je vous proposais (encore) de la musique ? Ou un manga ? Non, votons musique. Connaissez-vous : Olivia (inspi' TRAPNEST) - Tears & Rainbow ? C'est la chanteuse qui chante pour Reira dans NANA, du groupe Trapnest... et je trouve que c'est vraiment une super chanson. En bonus quelques images du film NANA... Alors y a pas de quoi se plaindre !

Image : Nana (chanteuse-actrice) du film du même nom.

So High So Low

Maybe no one knows what it's like

C'est les vacances... La deuxième semaine, déjà. C'est déprimant tout ça... Il m'en faudrait bien une troisième... Eventuellement un petit mois... Parce qu'après, ligne droite vers les examens, 8 semaines d'un coup ! Ah là là.
Sinon, elles se passent bien (vous savez, les vacances.), je bouge sans arrêt, je ne travaille absolument pas. J'essaie à grand peine de débuter mon dossier d'histoire... Mais c'est dur.
A part ça ! Les amis, ça va. J'ai le nez rempli d'épices à cause de ça -cherchez pas trop, private joke.
La famille... C'était un peu le bazar mais c'est rétabli.

C'est pas mal les vacances, on peut se voir souvent -et en même temps moins souvent- et faire plein de choses ! Mais quand on peut pas se voir... C'est vide, c'est énervant. Ça fout le bordel en quelque sorte, non ? Parce qu'on a envie de voir l'autre, mais on est énervé que les horaires ne correspondent pas, alors inconsciemment on rejette la faute sur lui, pourtant on se dit qu'il n'a rien à voir avec ça... Et puis quand on se voit tout change et on oublie ce qu'on avait pensé de mauvais plus tôt... Enfin bref. All was well.

Pour ce soir... Disons, How I Met Your Mother ? C'est vraiment génial ! Un peu comme un deuxième Friends mais avec une base différente. Disponibles en téléchargement, surement quelque part. Parce que ça m'étonnerait que ça passe actuellement sur aucune chaîne. Bonne chance ! (Si vous ne cherchez pas... Je le saurai.)

Image : Saison 3 - photos promotionnelles.

But A Broken Hallelujah

Maybe you should wait, maybe you should run... But there's something you've said that can't be undone

Ça devient dur d'écrire souvent... Peut-être la flemme, peut-être que j'ai trop de choses en tête, ou bien pas assez. Enfin bref, je suis là ce soir. (Ça donne, quand je dis ça, n'empêche.)
Alors en gros... Du côté de l'école, je pars bientôt en Écosse. Donc en fait, j'aurai trois semaines de vacances à un jour près... Suge ureshii ! Les cours eh bien comme ci comme ça. Je me comprends.
Samedi C. est venu, on lui a fait visiter la ville avec A. et M., c'était vraiment sympa. Et puis soirée des rhétos... A part le fait que je me sois fait voler mon pull, c'était chouette. Et puis M. était là, et puis C. et puis tout le monde alors c'était encore mieux. Ça donne envie de danser encore !
Sinon ben les amours... Que dire ? Que c'est encore teinté de regret ou d'amertume ? Peut-être. Pourtant, c'est de mieux en mieux. De nouveau l'envie de faire des efforts, l'envie que ça aboutisse à quelque chose où on serait heureux tous les deux.

Ce soir j'ai bien envie de vous faire écouter (encore) une autre version de Hallelujah : Allison Crowe - Hallelujah. La puissance de sa voix est agréable et à la fois prenante, ne ? Profitez bien !


Image : Kaikan Phrase (Mayu Shinjo), un manga que je vous ferai découvrir plus tard.

Sounds Good

They say, time heals everything... But I'm still waiting

Honte sur moi, oui, je sais, tout ce que vous voulez.
Sinon ça va vous ? Oh mais je suis bête, on s'en fiche de ça en fait... (pas de tomates, merci) Moi -merci de vous renseigner- je me porte bien. Bien, ni plus, ni moins.
L'école c'est assez ennuyant, les amis c'est excellent, l'amour c'est... épuisant (insérer ici deux accents circonflexes) Vivement que cette semaine se termine... D'autant plus que je vais chanter, samedi ! Je vais revoir C... Et puis A. vient aussi. C'est les mèèèilleurs. Heureusement qu'ils sont là :)
Il faudrait que je dorme un peu plus ces temps-ci, quand même... Au lieu de rester sur l'ordinateur et glander à faire des solitaires ! (Même si je gagne sans arrêt.)

Comme je le disais, l'amour c'est épuisant. Se disputer sans arrêt, c'est pas ce qu'on idéalise, hein ? Même si à côté il y a tout ce qui fait qu'on a voulu l'autre, ça pèse sur la balance. Alors là, tu te dis : « Mais bon sang, pourquoi je continue à me torturer ?! » Et là tu repenses à ce que tu apprécies tant chez lui. Ses yeux, sa façon de te regarder, de t'embrasser... Et tu te dis « No way, comment me passer de ça ? »

Par contre ce soir y a bien une chanson que je vous proposerais mais il faudrait que je trouve le lien et, bon, voilà. C'est Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks. Bonne soirée !

Once Or Twice Was Enough

But something happened for the very first time with you

Je sais bien que ça fait longtemps, que j'arrive tout juste à temps pour cloturer le mois de janvier, tout ce que vous voulez... Mais il s'est passé pas mal de choses, et pas forcément motivantes pour écrire.
Donc la dernière fois, le 8 janvier, c'était la rentrée... Et demain ce sont les vacances de février. "Déjà"... C'est passé vite, ne ?
D'abord, le week-end du 19. Alexandre. Que dire ? Rien. Il n'y a rien à regretter, rien à ajouter. « My heart melted to the ground, found something true »
Comment décrire le sentiment qui régnait pendant 4 jours après ça ? Pas aisé... Désespoir, malaise, inquiétude, indécision, étouffement... Ne pas pouvoir arrêter les pleurs, tout ce que vous voyez qui vous ramène toujours aux deux mêmes personnes... Mélangez tout ça, et on verra ce que ça donne.
Mais je ne vois pas trop ce qui me permet de me plaindre ; je ne suis pas toute seule dans cette histoire, et c'est un peu ma faute si tous les trois on a souffert. « And everyone's looking around thinking I'm going crazy »
Ensuite, le week-end suivant... Ici non plus, rien à ajouter. Mais en positif... 3 mois ! Trois mois d'attente et quand on y pense, on se dit "Mais pourquoi ç'a dû prendre si longtemps ? On est tellement bien...", et puis on réfléchit et on pense quand même "Mieux vaut tard que jamais, et ça valait la peine d'attendre, non ?". Personne ne peut dire combien de temps ça va durer, mais pour le moment j'aime ça. C'est un peu comme une drogue, l'embrasser, lui parler, le voir... Comme avant, mais maintenant que j'y ai goûté... C'est pire. « You cut me open and I keep bleeding love »

Je suppose que tout le monde connaît, mais j'écoute cette chanson en boucle ce soir (et puis ça m'évite de faire un effort de recherche trop conséquent.) : Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love.
Le clip est peut-être un peu idiot, mais les basses, l'instrumental et les paroles sont excellentes (trouvé-je). Bonne soirée.
Image : Leona Lewis.

She Is

I've had you for so many times but somehow I want more

La rentrée c'était sympa... Mais si on pouvait ne pas y retourner trop souvent, ça me plairait bien. A part ça, eh bien encore une fois pas grand chose. Quoi que, cet après-midi j'ai eu un sale coup de blues... Une accumulation sortie de nulle part, plein de petites choses énervantes qui ont fait que j'aurais bien frappé dans un mur. Ou un humain, au choix.
Ah là là... (gros soupir) "Seimei... La vie est bien vaine." J'aime beaucoup le passage de l'anime (Loveless) où Ritsuka parle et dit ça -bien sûr, il le dit en japonais, et ça donne encore mieux. Pas que j'accepte totalement la phrase, mais son ton est comme... Résigné, mais à la fois désespéré et déterminé à ne pas vivre trop longtemps. (Souvenir fugace)
Et puis... Peut-être que finalement, ça suffit, maintenant ? Ou bien j'en ai toujours pas assez, et il faut que je continue à me torturer l'esprit ? -sourire cynique- Enfin je crois que là, on se torture tous les deux l'esprit. L'expressivité (ça se dit ?), ça peut aussi être involontaire, naturel et pas pour se rendre intéressant... Mais enfin, laissons tout ça de côté jusqu'à la prochaine discussion.
Bonsoir bonsoir.

Ce soir... Présentation spéciale, un site vraiment intéressant : CrapulesCorp.
Il permet d'apprendre le japonais (écriture, langue parlée), de s'instruire sur le pays, d'avoir à disposition un dictionnaire... En bref, il m'est vraiment utile. Jetez-y un oeil si jamais vous avez le temps.

Image : En-tête du site.

We Will Be Winners

Meet me - in front of - the room - where we kissed - where you changed me - bestranged me - where no one resists - where I followed you - haunted by you

Voilà, de retour de vacances. J'avais franchement hâte de rentrer. L'année prochaine, c'est non merci !
Le snowboard c'est extra, mais en dehors si y a rien... C'est un peu naze. Donc voilà, j'ai retrouvé mon chez moi, je suis contente. Lundi c'est la rentrée, tous ensemble : « hourra » !
J'ai pas vraiment grand chose à dire, mais j'avais envie de venir écrire.
J'ai commencé Le Seigneur des Anneaux, et ce livre est génial ! Certains passages sont même plus flippants dedans que dans le film. Je me fais peur toute seule... (Tous ensemble, on applaudit.)
A part ça... Ah ben oui, bonne année ! Où avais-je la tête, je vous le demande ! C'est juste que cette année, le nouvel représente pas beaucoup pour moi. Je sais pas trop pourquoi, mais ça ne m'a pas particulièrement marqué... On mangeait puis on a dit "bonne année" et puis voilà. Alors je veux bien avouer que je suis rabat-joie, mais c'est pas génial quoi.

Ce matin, on va écouter K's Choice ! Hé oui, il est temps (et c'est surtout ce que je suis en train d'écouter alors vous n'avez pas le choix) : K's Choice - Winners.
Cette chanson est simplement... Belle. (Enfin je trouve.) Elle est profonde, les paroles sont magnifiques, la façon dont ils ralentissent à un endroit, ... Bref c'est beau quoi ! (Ils sont Belges !)
Sur ce, bonsoir.
Image : K's Choice (le groupe).